Either love them for who they are, or let them go.
I’ve been meditating a lot this week on the value of the human soul, and the belief prevalent in many cultures that we can progress to become more.
Enlightened, exalted, however you want to look at it, there seems to be a common thread running through the spiritual conceptual matrix which suggests that we are not yet in our final form; that we have further to go, greater things to become.
And I have come to understand that this attitude creates a prevailing thought that seems to create so much pain for people. The idea that we must ‘become more’ in order to ‘be enough’.
And I grieve because I see so many people who love someone, yet want them to become something or someone else.
Being loved without conditions, expectations, rules, regulations, considerations and obligations is one of the greatest blessings that you can ever extend to someone. This is why the love of a parent for a child is so important.
Yes the parent may know more than the child, and yes, the child needs to learn from the parent, but if the parent places qualifications on the love given to the child based on the child’s achievements and outcomes, and especially as an adult, that child will inevitably spend the rest of their earthly journey feeling that they need to be someone else’s definition of acceptable.
In my view, such a relationship is a tragedy.
If you really want to change someone, then you have to start by respecting them enough to not change them. Every one of us has the divine spark of awareness, and in my experience, people are much more likely to reach out for advice to someone who has unconditionally accepted them previously.
Please understand me; this is a hard thing. I daily, even sometimes hourly, find myself struggling with the desire to change another human being. When this happens, I remind myself that desiring their change is in effect to devalue their being. Who am I to know what is best for them?
Yes there are times when I see a pathway that might offer them greater happiness, but if I am offering them that view because of how I think they SHOULD be, then the interaction is about me, not about helping them.
Sometimes I find myself desiring the change in others who are close to me because of the impact it will have on my life, and I try to lovingly help myself realize that to ask someone to be or live a certain way because of how it will make me feel is a violation of one of my core values, which is that I must respect everyone at the same level I would respect myself.
When I am able to withdraw my own needs, wants and desires from any interaction that I have with someone, I find I am able to reach out in love, honesty and with a true desire to respect and assist them.
I have found that people respond much better to a lack of judgment coupled with a fervent desire to truly help them become what THEY want to be.
Today, I invite you to look into your relationships, and if you are unable to love someone without desiring their change, I implore you to do the work on your own soul so that you can treat others with the respect they deserve.
Only when you abandon your own needs can you truly accept the divinity in another.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings