Making it right at the cost of everything.
If you feel like you’ve been wronged, what do you really want done to ‘make it right’? I was talking with a friend recently who feels like she was mistreated by her husband, who sided against her in an argument. Whether or not she has a point, she seems to have become ‘hung up’ on the idea of him ‘making it right’.
So I asked her what that looks like – him making it right.
The interesting thing was that she didn’t know, and when I pressed her on it, she couldn’t tell me. I started suggesting different scenarios, beginning with something fairly ridiculous, and working my way down to something that she felt was ‘acceptable’.
Then I asked her how she would feel having to live under the conditions that she wanted to impose upon him. She admitted that it would be difficult. At that moment I asked her how he should feel about it, and all she kept coming up with was ‘sorry, he should feel sorry’.
And then I asked her the million dollar question… “what if he is already sorry”?
As we talked, she opened up and told me more about how he had apologized. From my perspective he had handled it really well, explaining to her why he took the position he did, how he came to realize he was wrong, and expressed his sorrow that he had upset her.
As our conversation continued, we explored her desire to have him make amends, and in essence to ‘make it right’. She came to the realization that he had already done what she had asked, and that it was her own feelings that were prolonging the argument now.
We also discussed the damage that could be done to their relationship if she continued to hold her feelings of anger, betrayal, disdain and scorn.
She agreed that projecting those emotions to her husband was unlikely to create the atmosphere that she wanted in her relationship, and that long term, it could prove very destructive to their relationship as a whole.
The turning point came when she began focusing not on her feelings of hurt, but on how she could heal her pain, without hurting the relationship, and instead bring them closer together. We mapped out a few strategies, and she left our conversation with a different feeling than she entered.
How did I know how to help her – because I’ve made those mistakes. I’ve held onto feelings, unwilling to let them go and move forward. Truthfully it’s a poor way to live, and a terrible way to work through a problem in a relationship. I hope I’ve grown since then.
Today I invite you to let go, and look forwards.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings