Why do we search so hard for meaning?
We all have times in our lives where we come face to face with the reality that we exist in a painful universe. From random failures, unintended consequences, neglect or the willful practice of cruel deeds, all of us are at one time or another the recipient of difficult, brutal, inhumane and sometimes just evil circumstances.
And in an attempt to make some sense of life, we try to rationalize a meaning out of it.
I struggled for many years through just such a process, attempting to make sense of things I experienced in my childhood, my teenage life, my first son requiring open heart surgery at 6 days old, the accident that scarred me for life, an employer who was admittedly incredibly selfish and so on.
I fought long and hard to come up with answers as to why these things happened. Until the day I realized that any answer I came up with was just an answer I made up.
And it didn’t matter anyway.
I think we look for a meaning so that we can feel significant. If something happened for a reason, then it wasn’t just a horrible event that we lived through, there was a purpose behind it. If it was just randomness , bad luck or evil, we feel alone, ignored and insignificant.
If there was a purpose and a meaning, then it wasn’t just random, and we were ‘chosen’ to experience it, which elevates us to being significant, rather than just another random, faceless, insignificant victim.
So we try to find meaning in the most meaningless of things, to salvage our sense of significance, and it’s never going to be enough, because it’s a made up truth.
When I discovered that the answers were never going to make sense, I also realized that the only sense that will come from these experiences will be created in the life that I live in the future.
So I draw on the experiences of my childhood, and live the opposite, so my wife has never heard my voice raised at her, and I have a wonderful relationship with my children. I remember the difficulty of never fitting in as a teenager, and now offer guidance and support to those who do not feel like they belong.
I draw from the pain of feeling helpless as I watched my son taken away for surgery, and I channel that emotion into compassion for those who are suffering. I remember feeling insignificant as an employee, and vow to be a kinder and better employer than I have experienced.
We cannot change the past, and making up a meaning for the things which happened is playing make believe. I do not believe that has the power to help anyone in the long term.
Instead, we can draw our sense of significance from the service we give in the future, precisely because of our past. In doing so, we can fulfill our needs for connection, certainty, significance, growth and contribution. I know of no other way than this.
I cannot help you change your past, but I hope in some way to help you become your future.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings