If I can’t say it with kindness, better not to say it at all.
Yesterday I managed to do something that’s very hard for me. Something that I have been practicing for years, and occasionally manage to get right.
I said nothing.
Anyone who I have coached, or who has heard me speak in public, or even who just knows me on a casual basis, will tell you that I’m either very quiet, or I’m speaking a mile a minute. I love to discuss ideas, concepts, philosophies and paradigms. I asked a lot of questions as a child, and that has not changed.
Yesterday I was in a group setting, when the subject of addictions came up. That’s always a topic that I have strong opinions on, and usually I’m ready to voice those opinions forcefully.
As someone who grew up in an alcoholic home, and whose own addiction with food nearly killed me, I have spent years trying to understand the nature of behavior and addiction. I have come to have more compassion for those addicted, and to see the addiction as a symptom of pain, not as a weakness of character.
The group yesterday contained a range of opinions; some that seemed very judgmental and accusatory to those who struggle with addiction. Their judgment, and seeming lack of compassion and kindness, struck a nerve in me, and I felt a strong desire to engage with the people expressing those opinions.
But I didn’t.
Because truthfully, at that point, I was doing exactly the same thing that they were doing. I was judging, and feeling less than compassionate toward them.
In the heat of the moment I felt that my opinion, based on 30 years of studying self awareness and a Doctoral degree in a healthcare discipline, was superior to theirs. I’m saddened to admit that, but honestly, that’s how it felt.
My desire to ‘enlighten them’ was not coming from a place of kindness, or a desire to find the ‘balance of forces’ that I have previously written about. I just wanted to show them why they were wrong. My ego wanted to be right.
Judgment, it seems, is one of my personal addictions.
So I chose the path of silence, and others in the group were able to voice some of the opinions that I wished to share. They did it in a way that was more balanced, and probably more kind, than I would have done, and for that I am grateful.
Painful experience has taught me that when I feel like I am ‘right’, I have a tendency to neglect kindness, and that, for me, is a far greater failing.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings