Simple.
We had a very simple Christmas day yesterday. Our family members who live in town were out of town, so it was quiet; just the four of us and our dog Cocoa.
We got up later in the morning, exchanged presents, did a Lord of the Rings Marathon, ate a wonderful dinner and just spent time together as a family. It was simple, quiet, and beautiful, and relaxing.
And yet for me, it wasn’t enough.
Because a part of me, which looks and sounds a lot like my ego, who wanted it to be different. The presents I gave were gratefully received, and yet I wanted to do more. The things that I wanted to give to my family are as yet out of my reach.
To my wife they were excessive, and yet to me it made perfect sense. I wanted to give more, but honestly, it’s not out of a desire to give, but to feel better about myself.
I try to be honest with you, because it helps to keep me honest with myself.
My wife and kids have all said that they thought it was a wonderful Christmas. The boys loved giving probably more than they loved receiving, which makes me so happy.
My sweet wife is learning to navigate her new tablet and Kindle with joy, and if I wanted to, I could take some sense of satisfaction from that, but the part of me that yearns to be better won’t let me rest.
And then I saw a post on Facebook.
A friend of mine, who served a religious mission in a country in Africa, posted about a charity from our town that was collecting funds to buy shoes for children of a town in the country in which he had served.
He shared hard-to-look-at pictures of these children who had so much less than the basics of life, and who would have been overjoyed just to have received a pair of durable shoes.
Yet I was worried because I hadn’t given the gifts that I wanted to.
As Holly and I talked this evening, she helped me navigate the emotions I was feeling, which ranged from sadness, to remorse, to hope and forgiving myself for my many weaknesses.
We discussed what we might give to this charity (and yes, it is a legitimate one, because my friend knows the people involved) and how we might work on our sense of gratitude for the things which we do have.
But most of all, we talked about how I need to realize that simple is enough, and to let go of my need to feel like I am ‘enough’ and just focus on what I CAN give, rather than allowing myself to be distracted by what I want to give.
Because in all honesty if I get right down to the painful truth, what I want to give is most often about my ego, and that’s a sign that I still have a very long way to go on my journey.
I have hope that I am progressing. Some days it doesn’t feel like it, and some days it does.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings