The Self Compassion Jump (#9 in a series of 10)
This is one that gets a lot of pushback. I know why, but after so long I still find myself being somewhat in awe of how far some people will go in their efforts to condemn themselves in judgment without a single ounce of compassion.
Faced with situations that would move them with deep compassion if it were applied to someone else, they still remain steadfast in their desire to judge themselves harshly.
Because they feel like they deserve it.
This usually starts deep in childhood. Maybe a parent accused them constantly, destroying their self image and leaving behind a child who is scarred on the inside, and crying on the outside.
Or maybe it was just a parent who for some reason was unable to have an emotional connection with their child, leaving the child to wonder at an absence they could feel, but not understand.
And when a child can’t understand, they make up stories.
Then we let those stories define us as adults. In my case, my father was struggling with his own demons from a childhood fraught with scorn and derision from his father. I didn’t know that. All I saw was a father who wasn’t there for me emotionally, and didn’t seem to want to be. In order to make sense of that, I adopted the belief that there had to be something wrong with me, for my father not to love me.
As of this time, we haven’t spoken in at least 10 years, probably more like 15. I struggle with the story to explain that.
But as we age, hopefully we begin to learn some compassion for ourselves. It’s hard at times, because for those of us who have been programmed with a deep loathing for the person we see in the mirror, it makes perfect sense to treat ourselves without kindness.
At some level, we fear that kindness will turn into acceptance of our flaws and weaknesses, and we will fail to reach the ‘perfection of achievement’ that will make us worthy of the love that we feel we missed.
And that’s where the lie really takes hold, because that is EXACTLY the point of kindness.
You don’t need to extend kindness to those who are perfect, only those who are not. Kindness is there to make up the difference when we are less than perfect, as all of us are.
But for those who struggle to apply self compassion, kindness to ourselves is viewed as the first step on a slippery slope that leads to us becoming the terrible person we believe ourselves to be.
So we withhold from ourselves compassion, and replace it with condemnation.
If, like me, you struggle to find compassion for yourself, I would suggest that the first step is to practice aggressive compassion for others. When you feel the desire to condemn someone, instead ask yourself if you can see any reason why you can substitute compassion instead.
Don’t stop until you have exhausted every possibility. I truly believe they are many more broken people than evil people on this good earth, and they are worthy of our compassion and understanding.
Eventually, as you aggressively apply compassion to others, you will begin to see your story in their story, your life in their life, your wounds in their wounds, and your peace in their peace.
Once you make the jump to show yourself compassion, you will find a greater emotional energy to serve others and grow.
And you may find peace.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings