The Apology Jump
(#7 in a series of probably 10 pieces)
Most of these jumps are hard, but this one is the most irritating. Ever since I was a young child I have hated admitting that I was wrong. It probably took until I was 13-15 years old before I learned to acknowledge my mistakes, even though it would take me a long time to do so. There was something about saying sorry that was so hard.
Unfortunately, it’s gotten easier because I’ve had so much practice.
To make a mistake is human. Whether it arises from a momentary mistake or a systemic fallibility, all of us do things wrong on a very regular basis. Sometimes it’s something small, and sometimes it’s something unimaginably huge.
Unfortunately the remedy always starts the same way, with a heartfelt and honest apology. No rationalization, no excuses, no shifting the blame.
A simply truthful “I’m sorry” can start a relationship on the road to healing.
But admitting your mistakes goes further than your relationship with the other person, it actually begins to heal your relationship with yourself. When you fail to apologize to somebody else, you are essentially trading their opinion of you for your opinion of yourself.
If you are so invested in not admitting your mistake, it means that in some way you are scared of their opinion of you once you admit your guilt.
And rather than risk their bad opinion of you, you live with your own.
Because there’s no feeling worse than knowing that you should apologize, but that you can’t bring yourself to do it. The longer you wait, the worse will feel about yourself. Yes you may be able to suppress it for years, but every time you remember it, it takes just a little more of your soul when you realize that you haven’t done what you should do; what your conscience demands.
Unless you have some significant emotional pathology, your own conscience is the worst thing to have mad at you.
If you struggle with this jump, you are not alone. The inability to apologize has afflicted all of us down through the centuries. It takes a significant degree of enlightenment and soul-searching to reach the point where you can freely admit that you have made a mistake without it being a judgment on yourself.
And yet making a mistake is the most human thing you can do, because it is an affliction that defines all of us.
And we all need to remember that when someone comes to admit their mistake to us.
If you would make peace with your own conscience, one of the fastest ways is to truly forgive someone who comes to you apologizing for their mistake, and asking for your forgiveness.
It’s hard, but reaching a point in your life when you are able to freely forgive another human being is to have arrived at the pinnacle of humanity.
When you can bestow peace on another through forgiveness of their mistakes, in the true honesty of your heart, you will find in you a wellspring of compassion for both of you.
Because forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s really all about you, and you can't begin to forgive yourself until you have apologized when you know you should.
The apology jump is hard, but healing.
— Dr.Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings