Naming the un-nameable
In the old magics, way back in the dawn of our beliefs, it was believed that knowing a true name would give you power over a demon. Once you knew its name you could discern its weaknesses, and have dominion over it. This idea, of knowing a name, goes back through fairy tales, through literature, and through our common history.
And there is some truth to it, but not in the way the storytellers would have you believe.
I have found that the true power of a name comes when we name our fears, and speak them openly. When fears reside only in the dark recesses of our mind, they have power to silently and surreptitiously influence our thoughts and actions, directing our desires from the darkness, and controlling our conduct in the light.
Fears, it seems, are most powerful when you don’t quite understand them, but listen to them anyway.
And we all have them.
For many years, for far too long, I have let the fears of my childhood live with me as an adult, and it has caused so much misery and heartache. Each morning as I awaken, in my very first moments, they whisper to me, telling me that I cannot succeed, that I will never be ‘good enough’, that I will always let people down.
And I struggle to face these fears, because they strike at the very heart of my soul. Embedded there for so long, they are a product of a childhood that taught me that I can never be good enough.
The child that was left alone, and never helped to form a strong, positive self image, grew into a man who is so afraid of the censure of others that he avoids conflict and the risk of being disliked.
His fear is that the opinions of others will overwhelm him, and return him to that state of a young child who is alone, feeling unloved and unwanted. Even though he realizes at a conscious/logical level that this will not kill him, at an subconscious/emotional level, it feels like they will.
And so I realize, that the thing which holds me back, and prevents me from doing more, is the fear that someone, somewhere, will think badly of me.
I am afraid both of the risk of failure, and also the risk of feeling the emotions that I try to bury and ignore, and the ultimate fear that I will end alone, lost, and abandoned because I have no true value to give.
And while acknowledging this, and realizing the truth of it does not change how I feel right now, it at least allows me to understand what is really happening in the depths of my mind, in the core of my soul.
These fears, which have influenced every choice, and directed every decision, are the ones I must face every day.
Bringing my fears out of the darkness and into the light, and naming them, explaining them, allows me to see what they really are, and in that knowledge, I am able to see them clearly, and hopefully find a way to allay them, and work through them.
Naming your fear, acknowledging it and accepting it are the first steps on the road to overcoming it.
So I name my fear ‘abandoned’, for that is truly what I fear most.
And I wonder, what name would you give to your fears?
— Dr. Alan Barnes
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