How good do you think you are? I don’t mean that in a moral sense, so much as I mean it from the basis of skill sets, abilities and vision. If you had told me as a teenager that I would go on to be a Doctor and care for patients, testify as an expert witness and write a Facebook page that seems to help people, there is no way I would’ve believed you.
Arrogant teenage me would have agreed with you, but underneath I would have been much less sure of my abilities.
Yet here I am. 20 years of clinical practice, almost half of those in a very high-volume high stress environment. I’ve saved lives with the right diagnosis, I’ve been able to change lives with the right treatment in the right way, and I’ve even been able to change people’s destinies by helping them see the truth of themselves through writing and coaching.
And yet in some ways I still feel very much like that messed up teenage British kid who looked like his only trajectory was going to be headed towards a fairly dark place.
I bring this up, because I find myself standing on the precipice of a new direction. I have an option in a few weeks to attend a seminar taught by a business coach who is an absolute specialist in the nature of the business that he does. A multi-multimillionaire, he teaches others how to follow his practices so that they can change their lives.
And although a part of me wants to go, there’s a part of me that’s very uncomfortable with the idea of being in the same room as these people.
It’s not that I’m not smart enough; I know that I’m a fairly intelligent person. It’s just that the idea of sitting in a room with people who play at his level honestly scares me. I have this innate fear that they are going to look at me as somebody who doesn’t belong in their particular environment. Not necessarily because of the way that I look, more that I haven’t yet learned to play success at their level.
And yet of course that’s what the seminar is about.
Everybody who goes to that seminar is there to learn. From the stories he’s told in the past, some of them have absolutely no experience in doing what he does, and yet they are able to be successful by following his footsteps. Realistically there is no reason to assume that I cannot do the same thing, but still I struggle with the feeling that I don’t “belong” with people who play the game at their level.
This is what we call in the entrepreneur world “imposter syndrome”. And today I’m really feeling it.
What’s funny is that I was perfectly prepared to go in person until I got the confirmation I had been accepted, and I found that there was a virtual option. Although even the virtual option is somewhat expensive, it is significantly cheaper than going in person. Staying home and doing this seminar virtually would also enable me to keep my practice open rather than having to close it for a week, so all in all from both the financial and a “Physician” standpoint, virtual would make all the sense in the world.
And yet I still feel like I’m essentially hiding, because I know I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if I went in person.
The funny thing is that if I go, I would probably be the only person in there who would look at myself like I didn’t belong. I’m sure they’ve had people less “qualified” than me, and I certainly know how to act like people who play at that level. As someone who helps people find their own identity so they are comfortable being themselves, I think it’s kind of ironic that I suddenly feel so worried about what others will think of me.
I think it just goes to show that we all struggle as we move through different phases in life.
Yet the fact that we struggle doesn’t mean that we are doing something wrong, quite the opposite. So many times the “right” thing is in fact incredibly difficult, and what makes it right is the fact that pushing ourselves to a new level changes us into the person who can play at that level. The growth we can achieve from pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone can reap incredible benefits for who we are as a person, and how we show up in the world.
Knowing all this, I still struggle with feeling like I don’t belong.
Which I think is very human, although very frustrating.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings