I’m married to a beautiful woman. For 26 years now she’s been my wife, my best friend, my confidant and cheerleader. We went to a wedding reception a couple of weeks ago, and she looked graceful and stunning. Sure she looks a little different from the woman I married, but to me, she gets more beautiful every day.
Although, when I try to tell her she’s beautiful, she just looks at me like I’m crazy.
But in the same vein, I really don’t listen to many people anyways. I don’t mean that to sound like I am dismissing everyone… far from it. But I've got this narrative in my head about how the world works, and more importantly, my place in it. That narrative is born out of years and tears, hardened by successes and failures, and most of all backed up by thousands of hours of confirmation bias, and self fulfilling behaviors.
So whatever you’ve got to tell me…. Chances are it’s gonna bounce right off.
Which is why when I work with someone one on one, I try to remember to ask questions rather than give instructions, because the only answers we really listen to are the ones we find for ourselves. As humans, we’re always going through the universe answering our own questions, and most of the time we don’t stop to ask ourselves if the comfortable answers we’ve settled on are actually true.
And when someone tries to tell us something different, well at best we get uncomfortable, and at worst, we get angry.
So when I see a good meaning soul try to tell someone what they need to do, especially when it’s obvious that the person they are talking to probably knows that already… well I just have to take a deep breath, and realize that I have been that person too. Born out of a desire to help, often with a side of ego, we all like to spread our own gospel of opinion throughout the universe.
Most of the time, all we do is make ourselves feel better, without realizing how little we are accomplishing.
Which is why with this work I try to suggest things to think about, and hopefully help you find a better pathway through your own questions. Yet all the time, I have to remember that someone may have a truth that works differently for them, and that doesn’t make them a bad person. Good and kind people are always going to differ in their opinions.
Just as we often see ourselves differently than everybody else.
But there comes a point in each of our lives when words aren’t going to cut it. Sure, talking is great, and I seem to do a lot of it, but it’s never going to be enough. I have a quote on a whiteboard to the left of my chair that I wrote many years ago, when I started this particular branch of my journey. It reads simply this… ‘Don’t tell me what you want me to know, help me feel it’.
Because what we ‘feel’ will almost always over-ride what we ‘know’.
So yeah, when I write these pieces, I’m trying to get you to think, but I’m also trying to help you feel something, because that is how we change what we ‘know’. When I think about the number of people whose opinions can actually change how I feel about something, well it’s honestly a pretty small group of people.
And most of them would never tell me something, but they would ask me better questions.
It’s said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and a movie is worth a billion. Yet I have seen a hug break through someone’s pain in a way that words never could. I have been lucky enough to help others have experiences that have enabled them to feel a whole new truth about themselves. I've seen a simple gesture of a handshake or a wave make the difference between misunderstanding and connection.
So yes, while words can be wonderful, sometimes what we really need is a different kind of connection.
But most of all, we need to realize that the words we speak and write to others can only take them so far. The real growth for a person comes not from what we tell them, but from the way we make them feel when we ask them.
Because when I tell you, I am communicating to you that I don’t trust you to come up with your own answers. When I ask you, I’m actually telling you that you have a right to your own answers, and that all I’m doing is help you find what is real to you.
And when I spend my currency of time with you and for you, I’m really hoping you’ll see why I think you are worth it.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings