I’d love to tell you that the big changes in my life were the results of intention, planning and taken in calm moments of rational thought. However since I don’t lie to you, I can’t because that would be complete crap. When I look at the biggest changes in my life, they all came from situations that felt super uncomfortable.
Change starts when you’re not happy where you are.
My weight loss journey of losing 145 pounds in 18 months didn’t start with me sitting down calmly one day deciding that now is finally the time to lose weight. It came because I felt horrible when I was denied life insurance coverage, and I felt like I’d let my family down. I was in a difficult work situation, and frankly being significantly overweight was risky for both my health and my career.
So I radically changed how I was eating, and I’ve stuck with it for 6 ½ years.
Exiting that difficult work situation wasn’t exactly pretty either. I should have left long before I did, but it took things coming to a head in a really difficult meeting for me to realize that a change had to be made, and to be completely honest with you, it was my wife who made the decision that we both knew was the correct one to get me out of a situation that had the potential to kill me through stress and worry.
What looked like a brave and confident move was honestly anything but.
Even my decision to go skydiving was born out of a desire to become somebody different. I was emotionally stuck in a place where I just didn’t see a way forwards, and I figured that doing something that scared me half to death might be a way to get things moving again. It wasn’t hundred percent successful in that, but it did help me see that the fear controlling me wasn’t something that had to hold me back at all.
Sometimes we change out of desire; sometimes we change out of fear. Most often times it’s a combination of both.
I’m pretty confident if you look back in your life at some of the really big decisions, you’ll see that they were driven a mixture of emotions. I’ve had people tell me that they married their partner because they love them, but were also afraid of being alone. I’ve listened to people explain their career choice as a matter of reason and fear but also passion and want.
Only you know why you made the decisions that you did, but I’m guessing you also know a few things that you haven’t done that you wish you had.
Like I talked about in the previous post, over the last few months I’ve been trying to do things differently, and one of those is make changes not out of fear, but out of desire. It’s often said that on our deathbeds we will regret the things we didn’t do far more than the things that we did, and I truly believe the failing to change into the person that will make you happy is probably one of the deepest regrets that somebody ever has.
Please don’t let that be you.
I understand the change is scary. As someone who grew up in a fair amount of chaos, I’ll be honest and tell you that I hate change. I would love nothing more than to be able to live my life quietly, easily and changing as little as possible, but I also realize that the greatest growth times in my life have been the times right been pushed to the limit.
Sometimes the only way to find out who we really are is to walk that sharp edge without having a plan B.
In a few weeks we will start the new year, and people will make their resolutions like they always do. Sometimes people even keep them. Yet there’s no magical power around the first of the year, and there’s no sudden burst of insight, inspiration or willpower that happens when the clock strikes 12 in the calendar changes. You can make a change in your life anytime you want to.
And it’s better to do it when you want to, rather than when you need to.
If you are in the middle of a change right now and it’s scary, please know you have my admiration and my respect. If there is a change you know you need to make, but you haven’t been able to yet, please don’t be hard on yourself about it. Life can be difficult enough without you adding to your burdens with judgment and guilt.
Most of all, if you’re facing a change, may I suggest to you try to imagine what could happen if everything works out.
Because sometimes it does.
As I exited that difficult work situation I spoke of, my wonderful wife bought me a plaque that hangs on the wall in my office at home. She purchased it for Christmas that year, despite our agreement not to spend money on presents for each other because we didn’t know what the future held. It doesn’t have pretty pictures, it doesn’t have a beautiful font. It just has 12 words that have made so much of a difference to me.
“What if I fail? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?”
Not to get too corny, but she has been the wind beneath my wings for 26 years, and she inspires me every day to try to be better. Sometimes the changes that we make are out of fear, or out of desire, but sometimes they are made because of the greatest force in the universe.
Simply out of love.
Whatever change are considering, please try loving yourself as you go through it. Make time for yourself, celebrate yourself and be kind to yourself.
My wife Holly has a simple mantra. “Be kind, do good. Love is a verb”.
May you find love for yourself today and always, and may that love give you the strength to change in a way that will make you happy.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings