When I was younger, all I wanted was certainties and absolutes. I think it’s easier that way, living in a universe where the boundaries are known, the future is expected, and there’s no pesky realities to get in the way. Nuance wasn’t necessary, ambiguity was an anathema. I held onto everything I knew as tightly as I possibly could, and listened to nobody when it came to a difference of opinion.
But that kind of living will only get you so far, because eventually, if you’re reasonable and you are trying to make sense of everything, you will come to understand that the universe doesn’t care about your opinion, and she doesn’t give up her secrets willingly, if at all.
The longer you live, the more you start to realize that some questions will never be answered, and the quality of your life is determined not by the answers you receive, but by the questions that move you forwards.
A couple of weeks ago I was very blessed to be present on a videoconference run by a friend of mine. Her workshop was called “Shifting Journeys”, and in her unique and brilliant way, she guided those of us who were present through a process of identification, understanding and most importantly questioning.
I was very gratified when she questioned, and kindly disassembled, and answer I had given her.
Because she helped me see something that I hadn’t seen in myself.
I heard a saying many years ago that is really stuck with me throughout all of this work. It’s that “You Cannot See the Label on Your Own Jar”. No matter how much you know about yourself, there will always be things that you just can’t see because you’re a part of the equation, you’re too close to the problem.
Which is why I’m incredibly grateful for a friend like Sarah Brabbs.
Because in the midst of all of my writing and teaching, it’s still so easy not to see the truth of myself. The longer I am engaged on my journey, the deeper my questions have become. But every so often I’ll still find a whole avenue of possibility that I have skipped over in my mind because if felt “so normal and natural and a part of me” that I had not stopped to question whether or not it was really true.
Those are the moments when you may come to see yourself very differently.
But you can’t be afraid of that, even though I’ll be honest and tell you it can hurt sometimes. The pathway to inner peace isn’t the yellow brick road full of gold and clearly marked pathways. It’s a broken cobblestone path, poorly marked and even more poorly lit. You’ll fall, you’ll stub your toe, you’ll struggle with a desire to turn and run back the other way, retreating for safety in the past rather than facing fear in the future.
But the only way is forwards.
I found another part of the pathway last Thursday night as I wrestled with the reflection that finally went up on Friday morning. As I often do when I am stuck writing, I’ll turn to my wonderful wife and have her ask me questions. One question she asked last Thursday evening led to me speaking a truth that I had never fully understood until that moment, and it sent me on a whole new part of my journey.
One that if found to be true significantly changes everything I thought about my history.
And to be honest, it was pretty uncomfortable to realize that. As I drove down to my office in the cold dark morning on Friday to see the patient needed my help, my mind struggled with the possibility of having to reinterpret so much of what I “knew to be true”. If I’m being truly honest, it also means that I will have spent a good portion of my life subconsciously feeling like a victim that I may not have been.
My friends the journey is never over, but it is never not worthwhile.
Because even just questioning what a have been since last Thursday is a valuable process. It’s helping me see things in a different way, and opening my mind to possibilities that are as powerful as they are precarious.
And I am reminded that this journey that we call life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.
The quality of your experience will depend on the quality of your questions, and your unwavering determination and dedication to finding as much truth as you possibly can.
May your journey be accompanied by better questions, and may you find peace today and always.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings