As she opened the door, the cold wind blew in a couple of leaves. The darkness still outside paid tribute to the fact that I was in the office a little earlier than usual, and her demeanor as she stepped over the threshold told me everything I needed to know.
Her shoulders were slightly slumped forwards, her head kind of down, and she hadn’t even closed the door behind her before she uttered her first of many apologies over the next 15 minutes or so.
“I’m so sorry you are here on your morning off”.
Which was strange when you think about it, because it wasn’t like she had forced me to be here. Yes, normally I would have been still at home that morning, but another appointment meant I was going to be in the area, and so getting there a little early really wasn’t that big of an inconvenience for me. In scheduling her appointment it was made clear to her that I was happy to accommodate her.
So a simple ‘thank you’ should have been all that she felt was necessary.
But it wasn’t. Over the next few minutes she had apologized probably 10 times or more, in different ways. I could tell that she felt really bad about me being there, and seemed to be doing her best to communicate how she felt, almost as though she was afraid I would be angry, or hold it against her in some way.
Although I tried to reassure her that I wouldn’t have been here this morning if it wasn’t something that I was ok with, I sadly think that my words could not penetrate the depths of her trauma so that she would have been able to hear me. I use the word trauma very specifically, because it’s the only think I know that creates this kind of a pattern in people.
The desperate need to apologize when it is not necessary is one of the surest scars of trauma that I know.
I have seen this so many times that it saddens me, where someone cannot stop feeling a sense of guilt, almost for just existing! In my experience, this occurs most often when a child grows up with a parent who has deeply unmet needs, and who inadvertently becomes over-sensitive about anything that can be taken as an insult, or an offense.
With no deliberate intention, they cultivate the constant reassurance of others to meet the needs that have not been met thus far.
So instead of a simple apology, where the adult focuses the child on their inherent goodness rather than a mistake that they made, the child instead learns that they need to constantly apologize so as to finally been seen as being truly repentant. The adult may rationalize this behavior in many different ways, but at the heart of the situation, there is always the same constant.
The adult is focusing on themselves, and not on the chance to help the child.
I wish I could tell you that this only occurs in the parent and child relationship, but that wouldn’t be true. I’ve seen this in marriages, in business, in sports… in just about every relationship in life. When I find someone who apologizes more often and more deeply than the situation would require, I can usually see the other markers that show me the sadness and the suffering they have gone through.
Because being around someone who needs your apologies is the surest way to know that you have lost touch with your own sense of self.
Someday we’ll discuss why even requiring an apology is a sign of its own problem, but for today, I’m just going to ask you to see if you can find that person in your life who apologizes more than is necessary, and do something for them that can change their life in a profound way.
And maybe it will change your life as well.
When they continue to apologize well beyond what the circumstances could require, I want you to stop them in the middle of an apology, and quietly tell them that their last apology was enough. If you get a chance, tell them how much they mean to you, and reassure them that with you, if there is ever a need for an apology, that one, and only one, is more than enough.
That you know their heart, you know they are sincere, and that such a thing need only be stated once.
As first, it will probably make them somewhat uncomfortable, as they realize that their behavior has brought them your notice, but if you follow up this moment with kindness, reassurance and genuine honesty, you can help them see their own worth and their own innate goodness. My guess is that they have lost touch with that since the time of their trauma.
In doing so, you may be a part of their healing, and help them find a greater sense of peace and happiness.
And maybe find a greater sense of your own.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings