Are you happy? I know that sounds like a deep question, but the longer I live, the more I think it is the most important question we can ask of ourselves and others.
When two people meet, the chances are that they will ask a lot of questions of each other, such as where they live, what they do for work, the size of their family etc…
And walk away having no idea of the other person is happy or not.
We spend so much of our lives chasing what we think will ‘make us happy’. Sure, if someone suddenly gifted me a large amount of money right now I might be happy for a while, but if you look at the history of people who suddenly come into money, their outcomes are not necessarily as wonderful or as long lasting as you might think.
Sometimes money solves the day to day problems, leaving people more time to be aware of how unhappy they are deep down in their souls.
So some people try to find happiness by being with a certain other person. Sure, the newness of the next relationship triggers different chemicals in our brains, but over time those chemicals fade, and the relationship that was insanely passionate, fun and wild turns into the same type of problem as the one the person was trying to escape.
While family can bring joy for some, it can also bring heartache & sadness for other.
And so some people try to find happiness in the things that they own. From a Lamborghini to a yacht, from a massive house to a private plane, history is replete with people who tried to buy their way into happiness, and ended up just having a nicer location in which to cry their tears.
No matter the location you choose, you’re always carrying the same piece of real estate with you.
The one in your head, your heart, your soul.
I hate the phrase ‘Happiness is a choice’, because it seems too trite, and too easy. If you’ve followed this work, you’ll know that I am a fan of better questions rather than simple statements designed to make someone feel superior.
A statement determines a path, whereas a question opens all pathways as possibilities.
So I would rather say “Could happiness right now be an option?”.
Because sometimes happiness might be a real struggle, and having some well meaning person say to you that ‘happiness is a choice’ is just about the last thing you want to hear, because they are essentially saying ‘you can choose to be happy, but you’re not’.
Inviting someone to ‘consider if happiness could be an option right now’ offers them the freedom to determine their own answer, and hopefully will prompt some deeper and more fulfilling questions, while at the same time giving them the ability to say ‘no’ if they feel like it without judgment or pressure.
Allowing people to choose their own reality, rather than substituting your own is the very act of ‘holding space’ for someone.
People who have space feel a sense of worth, but people who are told to think/feel a certain way are essentially being told that they are wrong, or unable to figure things out for themselves.
In my work as a coach, I spend a lot of time trying to help people find their own authentic life & voice, often helping them to discard the paradigms and practices that were given to them by circumstances, well meaning people, and the ever present pressure of society at large.
When they allow those ideas to fall away, and take the time to go deep within and find who they really are, and what truly resonates with them, then they find a wellspring of creativity, contentment and peace within their souls.
When you live an authentic life, you’ll actually find authentic happiness.
Which is all any of us are really looking for.
(In case you're wondering, yes this is my beloved dog Cocoa. She wishes you a wonderful day, and wonders if you have any treats.)
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings