The Judgment of Grief.
In the last 36 hours, I’ve been privileged and humbled to listen to two people share their grief with me. Although their situations are very different, both in the type of loss and in the timeline in which it occurred, they are both hurting, and both trying to make sense of the pain and longing that they feel.
Unfortunately, there is at least one other similarity between them.
They are both judging themselves for the way that they are responding to those emotions.
Neither of them are being kind to themselves, and interestingly, if they were to meet and understand each other’s stories, the chances are that they would extend more sympathy and caring to each other then they would to themselves. Their reasons would be different, but their behaviors would essentially result in the same outcome.
Denying themselves the space that they need to grieve.
Which is something we all have to do, yet no one ever teaches us how. Some find their way through the process on their own, while some find that talking to a trained professional helps to find a way to process the sadness, the loss and the heartache that they feel.
There’s no right way and no wrong way to grieve, as long as the process gets you to the point where you need to be, of peace, of acceptance and of calm.
But many people never find their way to that place.
Because for some reason, sometimes we see our grief as a weakness, or a sign that we aren’t faithful enough, or some symbolism from the universe that we are too focused on ourselves, and not enough on others.
We hold ourselves back from experiencing the fullness of what we feel, and instead try to force our way into feeling differently, not realizing that grief unexpressed comes out as anger, as sadness and even as guilt.
Robbing the person of the chance for peace.
Which is so sad, because if there is one thing that unites us as human beings, it is the feeling of loss that we all experience at some time in our life.
Nothing is more human, nothing is more real, and yet there are those who will hold back their feelings, out of a belief that in some way their grief is not real, or not enough.
And they beat themselves up over the way that they feel.
My invitation to you today is to search deep in your soul, and see if you can find within you the kindness that you would normally give to others, and instead give it to yourself. Chances are there’s something that you haven’t let yourself fully feel yet.
From the loss of a friend, a partner, a situation, a possession, a pet, an opportunity or a dream, there’s probably something that you haven’t fully felt your way through, and it’s poisoning your future from deep in your past.
And today, I would ask you to find a space for yourself to feel, and to grieve.
Not that you need it, but you have my permission.
Sometimes, that’s all we’re really waiting for, and if that’s you, then this is me, saying it’s ok to feel, to grieve and to heal.
You deserve nothing less, and I want the very best for you.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings