Feeling Now.
As I sit here starting this piece, I’m trying to process many different emotional threads. I have a friend who is in the final stages of a courageous battle with Cancer, and it’s not a matter of if, but when.
I know people from all walks of life who are struggling with the ramifications of this pandemic, and on top of that I am trying to be a husband, a father, a small business owner and a friend.
And it’s kind of easy to get lost in the middle of all of that.
Added to that, I feel the desire to write, so that I might in some small way be of comfort and uplift to those of you who follow this work.
With all of that going on, as well as a never ending tsunami of opinion and data on the internet, I‘ve realized that I’ve been using all of these responsibilities to do something that I know is wrong, but which we all fall into every now and then.
I’ve been suppressing my feelings.
Which is something I pretty much have a black belt in at this point in my life. Despite knowing that the emotions you haven’t processed are anchors upon your future happiness and your soul, I seem determined right now to ‘keep on going’ rather than taking the time to let these feelings flow through me.
I know why I do it, and if I’m paying attention I can even realize when I am doing it.
Although I know I shouldn't.
Because eventually, all the things that we don’t deal with show up in a number of ways. It might be through depression or anxiety, anger or rage. It may show up in a physical manifestation, or it might change the way that you experience meaning through your journey in life. However much you try to ignore them, their effect on you is inevitable.
Until you face them, feel them, and free yourself from them.
As someone whose attachment pattern is very much avoidant, suppressing what I feel was such a part of my childhood, that tendency rears its ugly head every time things get stressful.
I have to make a conscious decision to combat it, and the intensity of that decision is directly connected the painfulness of the emotions that I’m trying to avoid. Whenever I find myself avoiding for too long, I know I’m going to be feeling the effects of those feelings one way or another.
So I might as well get it over with now.
Which sometimes feels a lot like being selfish, or being lazy. If I’m smart, it looks a lot like meditation, or long periods of writing.
Sometimes it comes out in a session with the heavy bag that hangs in the garage, when the gloves are pulled on, and the anger comes out to play a little bit. The noise, the sweat and the impact open channels in my soul that allow me to experience what it is I’m really feeling.
But it doesn’t matter what it looks like, only that it happens.
All of us right now are going through an incredible time of uncertainty, and none of us really understand how or when this is going to end. The pressures we’re feeling create emotions, and if we’re not careful, we’ll smother those emotions in a flurry of calories, mindless browsing or endless binge-watching.
None of which help us actually face what we feel.
So today, I invite you to make time in your life to sit quietly, and feel the emotions that are running through your soul.
I know it might be scary, and it very well might hurt, but until we release and experience those emotions, they’re just going to drag us down, and dampen our future.
When instead you may fly forwards, and free.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings