Let Go.
As she stared at me across the counter, the look on her face was part confusion, part frustration, and yet it was also completely humble.
Even though what I had just told her made ABSOLUTELY no sense to her in the moment, she was nevertheless willing to trust me, and listen to what I had to say. An incredible woman, an amazing inspiration, and gentle enough to accept advice rather than ignore it.
She’s incredible.
Because if I were to tell you her life story, you’d want to walk up to her, give her a hug, and try to make things better for her. She’s one of those people who honestly could complain if she wanted to, yet she’s far too smart for that.
She pushes her way through a difficult and complex life with a smile on her face, and a kind word for everyone around her.
I want to be more like her when I grow up. :)
The advice I was offering wasn’t what she initially wanted to hear. If she had been of a mind to, she could have accused me of trying to make her sound bad (which I wasn’t and she knew it) and become angry, rather than accept that she needed to change. She wouldn’t have been the first person to call me a jerk rather than change the way they were doing things.
But she was ready to grow, and willing to learn.
We were discussing one of her children, and the difficulties of trying to help this particular child who brings some very unique attributes to the table.
As she expressed her loving frustration, it became clear that she was allowing her own needs and desires to overwhelm her, and diverting her desire to help, into a desire to have things work out the way she wanted.
If you’re a parent, you know how easy it is to let that happen.
Because all of us as parents see a part of ourselves in our children, and if they choose to act in a way that does not align with how we think the world should be, there is a terrible temptation to want to influence their behavior, so that things go the way that we think they should, regardless of whether this is what the child actually wants or needs.
I have seen this time after time, and been guilty of it myself.
So my offering of knowledge to my good friend, this woman of incredible character and inspiring strength, was to suggest to her that she do the one thing that she really didn’t want to do.
She had to “Let Go” of her expectations for the situation, and instead allow her child the space to experience the world in the way that was better for them.
Because when we give someone space, we are actually honoring their humanity.
And once we do that, surprising things happen. Within ourselves, we recognize again the truth that we are sovereign entities, not needing the actions of another to have value and dignity.
We extend to another recognition of their right to experience the world in the way that suits them, honoring their consciousness and experience.
By offering a suggestion, rather than dictating a course of action, my friend realized that she could increase the self worth of her child, and also reclaim some of her own, by allowing each other to exist differentiated from each other, yet still inter-connected.
A difference that changes lives time after time.
She texted me later, thanking me for the perspective I had given her. There were many things I wanted to text back; about how wonderful she is, about how her example makes me want to be a better person, about how her strength both astounds me and inspires me, and how her courage moves me.
But I decided to wait until the next time I see her, so I can tell her in person.
Because I want her to understand just how grateful I was to be listened to by someone so wonderful as her.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings