The Limits of You.
If you asked any of my high school teachers what I would have become, the chances are that very few of the answers would have been in terms of ‘successful’. Some of them would have probably questioned whether or not I would have even lived to the age I am now.
A couple of them might have hopefully ventured ‘incarcerated’. To say I was a mess as a teenager would be a significant understatement.
And I knew it.
I was pretty arrogant as a child, which as everyone knows is nowhere near the same as confident. By the time I left high school I was a light and dark balance of feeling like I could do anything, while also being scared that I would never do anything because I was afraid of all of it.
Growing up, responsibility, having a family, finding a job/career…I didn’t have good models for any of those things.
So that became my self-definition.
I approached so much of my life out of the twin fears of scarcity (that I could never provide enough) and reluctance (being scared of all that was coming next). When you live with a solid belief that you could but you won’t, you tend to try to hold on to where you are, only moving forward when there is no other option.
Desperation drove a LOT of my decisions.
It even kept me in terrible place for almost 10 years.
I knew 6 months into working for somebody that I needed to get out, but it took me another 9 years (and the right decision from my wonderful wife) to escape that particular flavor of hell.
Yes, I learned a lot from it, and those lessons have helped me arrive at where I am today, but in life there is often the easy, the hard way, and the way you take when you are scared to take any other.
And believe me… a decision made out of a terrible self belief is unlikely to bring you anything resembling joy.
I’m approaching 4 years out of that nightmare now, and while they have been very difficult years, I’ve begun to redefine my belief of myself. When finally faced with the need to grow beyond where I was, I’ve discovered within myself an ability to become more than I dreamt I would be (not could be – but that’s another reflection for a different day).
But changing the supposed limits of me has not been easy.
I’ve had to let go of so many things that held me where I was, and walk away from people and places that reinforced the old self images that I clung to as the only definition of me.
Some of these changes have been very profound, and have caused me to release relationships that I would have once said defined me. It has NOT been easy.
But I feel like I’m finally becoming somebody who I can live with.
That doesn’t mean that there isn’t more work to do, far from it. But I’ve grown to realize that there is only so much work you can do on yourself alone. Sometimes we need to put ourselves into the flow and the fire of other people, other situations, other experiences.
Because no matter how well you mold the clay, it still has to be fired in order to become what it was always intended to be.
So now I have to move from where I am, and find the next stream into which to experience growth.
But I’m doing it from a better place in my mind, and with a different sensation in my soul. Not necessarily one of calm, or of clarity, but rather with a sense of cohesion, because the parts of me are coming together.
Maybe later than I would have wished, but it’s happening now, and all I can do is go forward from where and when I am.
Releasing the limitations that I have allowed to hold me in place.
And seeing how high I can fly.
Whatever’s holding you back…. Can you let it go and soar?
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings