Hypocrite.
Do you ever feel like one? If not, I envy you. Because no matter how hard I try to change, no matter the hours spent in meditation, writing, thinking and pondering, there’s still so many parts of me that are flawed, so many things I still want to change.
There are days when I feel like writing this work is more about me showing you how not to be, not to think, not to feel.
Days when I just feel like an imposter.
And it’s easy to get to a point where it feels like I’m just banging my head against a wall. Sometimes, when I’m lost in the moment (which is not the same as mindfulness or being present) I lose all sense of perspective of growth, of the progress that I’ve made, and see only the flaws and inconsistencies that plague me. There are times when I feel like a huge fraud.
Which is why I try to be honest in the ways that I feel.
And that can be hard sometimes. Part of me would rather hide away, becoming a hermit somewhere and not being seen by the world.
When I see people who live a very simple life, out in the wilds of nowhere, there’s a part of me that gets very jealous (while the other part of me wonders of they get decent broadband speeds and if Amazon still delivers in 2 days :) ).
But for me, hiding from the world would bring stagnation, and a never ending sense of avoidance.
Because no matter how frustrating life can be, the only way I can see to live it is by living it. Looking time square in the face, and going for it again and again.
Sure we’re going to mess up, but that’s a part of the equation. Some of the greatest moments of growth in my life have come out of the darkest points of failure.
Which is part of the reason I’m still writing.
Every experience we have can be one of growth if we are looking for the lesson, and if we are humble and open enough to receive it.
Do you struggle with that, because I know I do.
If I look back at all the lessons I’ve missed, or failed to learn on the first opportunity because I was too prideful, too angry or too ungrateful, I can become despondent and depressed at all the time I’ve wasted.
Or I can be grateful that life kept giving me the lesson until I finally learned it.
So even on the days where I feel like a hypocrite, and that I’m failing at so many things, I keep telling myself that I have come so very far from where I was. Twelve or thirteen years ago I was a very different person.
Proud, arrogant, impressed with myself much more than I had any reason to be, and so very busy trying to be something I wasn’t, to cover up the person I felt I really was.
Turns out, both of those viewpoints were wrong, but I was too busy, and too afraid, to listen to my soul.
So now, I’m trying to be honest with myself, and with those around me. Not that I have lied about things, more that I had held back things that I should have said, truths I should have shared.
The longer I live, the more convinced I am that the truth, carefully and kindly presented in combination with humility and awareness, is the greatest healing force on this world or any other.
Because the truth can set us free, although it usually hurts getting there.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings