I had a conversation with a friend the other day that moved me. I love her, but that day she was kind of getting on my nerves. I know that her words were meant to be kind, because she doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.
In fact, she is probably one of the kindest and most genuine people I’ve ever known. But that day…. well that wasn’t exactly a day where she was on her best form.
But the good thing was she could sense it, and wasn’t afraid to ask questions.
We had been talking about a situation that was affecting me, one in which I have a significant amount of training and expertise. In her desire to do good, she was trying to interject her ‘truth’ (belief) into my analysis of the situation.
Most days I can understand and appreciate that her motives are well-intentioned, but since I had a pretty significant headache, hadn’t slept much, was stressed out by current circumstances and generally having kind of a rough day, I wasn’t able to modulate my irritation as well as I would have liked. She could see it and so she asked me how she could have handled the situation better.
I love that about her – she’s never one to shy away from the deep conversations.
So we discussed our relative interpretations of the situation, and I while I didn’t do a great job of explaining how I felt (because sleep deprivation tends to take the edge off my game) I was able to help her understand that her ‘rampant enthusiasm’ for helping sometimes gets in the way of the other person feeling heard and appreciated.
She accepted my explanation, we hugged, and she went on with her day, as I did mine.
But it really got me thinking, and a day later Holly and I were talking about another situation, and a truth crystallized upon me from the intersection between the two circumstances. It helped me realize what was really going on, and I wish I had been able to explain it to my friend so much better.
The understanding I gained helped me see where I have made so many mistakes in the past, and will hopefully help me to be a kinder person going forwards.
Because my friend’s ego (her desire to have her truth heard and accepted) was taking over the ‘space’ I needed (to be heard and allowed to have my own understanding).
And I came to understand that ‘holding space’ for someone really means the suspension of our ego, our judgment, our truth and our reality. When we ‘hold space’ for another, we are granting unto them the opportunity to be themselves, and find their own truths.
While we might feel inclined at the time to offer a suggestion, that really needs to be in the form of a question rather than a statement, and the question needs only to be asked once.
As my friend kept trying to get me to accept her truth (out of a sincere desire to help) her ego (her desire) was taking up the space I needed to feel accepted/appreciated and to find my own truths.
Have I done this? Oh so many times. One time I lost a coaching client because in my desire to help (my ego) I was essentially pushing her further than she was ready to go. I could have presented the same options to her with a much greater emphasis on her choice, rather than my opinion, and only suggested it once.
While she feels like her coaching experience with me was very valuable, and was appreciative of my time and assistance, I now understand that I took up the space that she needed, and I didn’t serve her as well as I could have.
And I shudder to think of how many times I have done that in the past.
The ultimate humility we can show in any situation is to let others be themselves. If we accept the premise that humility is to think ‘less ABOUT ourselves, not less OF ourselves’, then we can see how the truly humble can always hold a space for those around them, because they feel no need to interject their truths onto others, because it’s never going to be about themselves.
And I’m so grateful to my dear friend, whose willingness to go deeper and listen kindly to my terrible attempts at an explanation were the catalyst for this new and greater understanding.
May we all find the humility we need to accept others as they are, and hold space for them to discover who they are becoming.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings