Kaleidoscope.
Did you ever play with one of as a kid? Where you looked into a tube and all you saw were shifting patterns of light cascading in upon each other in a never ending, mind blowing, vista of beauty and color.
If you did, you probably remember that it was really difficult to decide where one color started and where one ended.
They all just seem to blend together, twisted patterns without beginning or end.
And that’s often how we experience our emotions.
Driven by increasingly complex patterns of thought, we sense and react to the world around us without being able to stop and see clearly everything that’s happening, or why we are feeling the way that we do. We just know that everything is turning, changing; weaving in and out and hiding from view.
Unless we are able to slow down the movement and really examine what is going on in our heart.
I have tried to do this recently with some of my more complex and painful emotions. Just today (Wednesday) I received some news that was difficult to hear, and yet as I reflected upon the feelings that arose, I found it hard to clearly, accurately and cogently identify why I was feeling a certain way.
I could explain at a surface level how it felt, but as I tried to go deeper I struggled, because the emotions, fears and desires all blend together.
It’s like trying to pick apart a knot in a shoelace, when you can’t use your eyes to see what you’re doing.
But if like me you believe that self-awareness is not only the path to peace for us as individuals but as a society you’ll understand why I couldn’t stop trying to unravel the emotions I was feeling, and get to the bottom of the root cause.
It’s a hard process, that demands the blistering self honesty along with a willingness to accept whatever truths you find, no matter what they say about you.
So I started looking. Quietly, calmly, honestly and painfully.
What I found wasn’t really a surprise, although it was a disappointment to recognize that something I thought I had worked through was again coming to the surface.
As I realized that it was my significance need that was driving this emotion, I understood that it was really a fear of a loss of significance, which when you don’t necessarily have a great deal is a painful thing to endure.
And the primary emotion driving this Kaleidoscope of chaotic emotion was a feeling of not being enough.
I know most of us struggle with this in some way or another, so I wanted to share today in the spirit of honesty and truth so that you can see that your struggles are my struggles, and our struggles are universally human.
Although we differ in our race, our creed and our societies, the problems that bind us together are very much the same.
So I return again to my meditation practice, struggling to find feelings of worth and peace, tempered with an understanding of the imbalances in my thought processes that were defined by my childhood.
It’s a long slow process, but one which we all have to do if we are to find peace in this world.
Picking apart our emotions is never easy, but when you finally find that one true ray of light at the bottom of the Kaleidoscope of your soul, the clarity you feel is the beginning of your healing.
May we heal ourselves and our world.
Together.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings