Healing: Hunting the Signal.
The strange thing about changing who you are, becoming somebody different and new, is that nothing seems quite the same as it did beforehand.
You find yourself grateful for things you took for granted, and at the same time you can see clearer than ever how some things were never going to be good for you, even though you hung on to them for far too long.
And some things you have to give up, even though it hurts so much that you want to scream.
But in the midst of this process, this growth, this regeneration, I’ve been seeking for something that was always ephemeral in the first place; a sense of where I was going. It’s so hard to describe what it feels like, but for the longest time I’ve had this sense of where I wanted to end up.
Not necessarily a geographical location, but more of sense of what I would feel like when I had arrived where I was supposed to be.
And I would get glimpses of it in the strangest of places.
Maybe it was in the bustle of a crowded airport terminal, seeing families united again in joy and happiness. Maybe it was seeing a sunset, and hoping one day to feel a sense of ease and peace at the end of a day well done.
Maybe it was in a piece of music as I drove down the highway, that suggested a sense of completeness and alignment.
Wherever and whenever it would occur, I would get this emotion of synchronicity, and I could see the steps before me, and know that I was going the right way.
But now, forcing myself through this crucible, where every part of my life is being restructured, reconfigured and reinterpreted, I find that I am hunting a different signal.
Strangely, even though my mind is quieter than ever now, I find myself struggling harder to hear that signal, and it’s showing up in the oddest places.
Beckoning me down a path that attracts me, and yet terrifies me at the same time.
For now the signal is hidden in the pain and suffering of others. When I see the cruelties of life, I sense an implacable resolve to bring balance and light. Where I see the anguish, I sense solutions to be implemented.
Where I see sadness, loneliness, longing and tears, I sense the way forward. Balancing both my light and shadow, my dreams and fears.
For I fear the place where the signal is leading, but I know I must go there, and soon.
Because the gifts that I have of communication, understanding and compassion are not ones that can bless me, unless I am using them to bless the lives of others. I don’t claim to ‘know’ everything, far from it, but I know that the time is soon coming when I have to take everything that is in me, and follow the signal wherever it leads.
So I’m trying to hear the signal clearer than ever, blocking out everything from my life that distracts me in any way. Maybe I’ll fall flat on my face, be ridiculed, misunderstood and even hated. Maybe I'll lose whatever sense of self and dignity I have in the process.
So be it.
Because if you truly believe, deep down in your soul, that you have something to offer of good in this world, then I believe that you have to stand up and share that as hard as you can.
Sure it might be scary, and it might demand more of you than you’ve ever known, but in the end, if you never try to make a difference, then you’re no different than the ones who started all the pain in the first place.
At some point in your life, you have to disregard what it’s going to cost you, deep in your soul, and just do the things that you feel are right. Sometimes you have to follow that signal into the middle of the dark, and shine your light so brightly, so that you can be a beacon unto others.
At some point you just have to follow your signal.
Because the signal is there, and I am going to follow it, wherever it leads.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings