Healing: Are You Enough for Yourself?
It’s a strange question isn’t it. I ask it because we seem to spend so much of our time worrying if we are enough for someone or something, and we always seem to give the power of the final judgment on ourselves over to somebody else.
As though they have the ability to tell us something that should be obvious to ourselves, yet for some reason we will not listen.
Is it because we don’t want to answer the question?
We are never really going to find peace in this life unless we ask the question, and then act upon the answer that we receive from ourselves. I think this may be the most important question we can ever ask ourselves, as the answer determines how we carry ourselves in the world, and especially how we act in our relationships with others.
And yet we are never taught how to ask, nor how to answer.
So since we don’t know how to ask ourselves, we trust in the opinions of others, which is how we lose our sense of ourselves.
Over the last 6 weeks or so, as I’ve pulled back from so many things in my life so that I might have the emotional quietude in which to hear, I’ve been struggling with these questions of life.
If I were to die tomorrow, would I feel like I had done enough to be happy? If I could not lose, would I be doing the same things as I am right now? What would I do if I knew I only had a fixed amount of time left? Who would I talk to, and what would I say?
And ultimately, am I really living the life I want to?
If you’re like me in any way, these are not easy questions to answer, for none of the answers bring a sense of peace. Do I feel like I have done enough to be happy – not in the least. I feel like I have only just begun to see a possible happiness in the future.
Of course, there’s a part of me that begs the question about why I can’t just be happy right now, but I know that answer, and it’s a long one.
Because knowing a truth in your mind is not the equivalent of carrying it in your soul.
If I could not lose, would I be doing the same things – absolutely not. If I honestly knew that I couldn’t fail, I’d be coaching full time, day after day.
It brings me the most peace, joy, contentment and understanding, yet right now making that jump would be financial suicide, so I have to find a way to mange where I am at, until the day arrives when I can make the changes to do what I honestly feel is my gift, my calling, my mission and my joy.
I pray that day comes sooner than I can imagine.
And who would I talk to, and what would I say? That’s a hard one for me, because there are constant conversations in my head that are unfinished with people in my life. Some of those would probably bring me joy, and other conversations are not likely to end as well.
Yet I realize that if I am to gain a sense of personal congruency and authenticity, which is really what this whole healing process is about, than I need to either cut those conversations loose, or get down to the business of making them happen.
Which is at the same time exciting and terrifying.
Because this process of healing that I began 6 weeks ago is both of those, in equal measure. It’s about getting real, and realizing that if I were never to progress from where I am now, I would be miserable in my older age.
It’s about finally getting enough quiet in my head, and being able to decode the discord and disquiet that dominate my thoughts, so that I can understand what I need to do next.
And most of all, this process is about pushing myself to face all of the fears and falsehoods that have held me back for so long. It’s amazing how many of the lies we tell ourselves appear as truths, and how far off of our personal course we can find ourselves when we lose the signals from our soul.
Because each wound unhealed is another voice in the multitude that seeks to carry our attention away from the truths of who we want to be.
And I am so very tired of not being happy with who I am.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings