Silencing the Soliloquy of Shame
I’m guessing somewhere back in your past, there’s something you’d like to forget.
One of those moments where your actions didn’t live up to your ideals, and where the outcome of your weaknesses left a scar upon your memory that you’ve been trying to either avoid or get rid of ever since. If you have one of those, don’t worry, you’re not alone.
Because for some reason, shame seems to be the epidemic of choice for humanity.
Which is sad because most of the time the things we carry shame over are simply acts of being human, born out of fear and loss, rather than a sincere desire to do the wrong thing.
Most, and I mean a very high percentage of people ‘most’, are good people who had a moment where they were either not aware of the full story, or were so lost in their emotions that they weren’t able to withstand their desire to act.
So they were either shamed, or they shamed themselves.
And as psycho-emotional poisons go, shame is just about the worst. Shame makes us avoid understanding, and it stops us from progressing further in ourselves.
The person who has been taught to feel shame is one who has accepted a lie that denigrates their self worth, and very often will control their ability to allow themselves to find forgiveness.
Worst of all, the more shame we feel, the more we are likely to spread it around.
It’s been said that misery loves company, and it takes a pretty strong person to accept negative judgments on themselves while offering acceptance, forgiveness, understanding and love to someone else.
Usually the further into self dislike we stray, the harsher becomes our judgments of the outside world, until we are caught up in a tidal wave of loathing, both for ourselves, and for everyone else.
And then we’ll feel shame about how badly we treat others.
So let’s try to reverse that cycle today. As I wrote about forgiving yourself yesterday, today I want to help you lift a sense of shame off of your shoulders, and it begins by understanding that you are a flawed human being, not a failed human being, and that your value comes from being not doing and from existing rather than excelling.
The actions you may have performed in a moment of weakness or misunderstanding are no more a judgment on your soul than are the moments where you lived up to the best of your intentions.
The person you are, the conscious entity of awareness that can grow, learn love and feel is so valuable that the expressions of consciousness that you call your actions are not what define you.
A priceless violin does not lose its value if handled by a novice, nor if played incorrectly by a master who is having a bad day. The value is in its ability to make music, however that sounds.
And you are so much more than a violin, no matter how priceless it is.
To silence the soliloquy of shame, I invite you to sit quietly, and picture yourself as a little child. Allow your thoughts to fill with compassion, as you see that child trying to make its way in the world.
Watch it fail and fall, stand and succeed.
Does the child lose its value each time it falls – of course not. As your heart skips a beat with each unsuccessful attempt to walk, allow love to flow from you, flooding over the child and healing its wounds, quieting its cries, and calming its tears.
And now step outside of yourself, and do the same for you.
Watch yourself in the actions that shame you, and recognize that your intentions were either good, or were driven by fears of pain and loss.
Realize that even in the moments that you weren’t trying your best, your good intentions were still there, but were drowned out by the excess of emotions pulling you the other way. The flood of your fears, drowning out your inner voice is an experience, is a moment, and is not a statement of your value.
And express to yourself the same compassion as you did for the child, for your consciousness is not less valuable now that it was then.
I invite you to practice this exercise as often as you can. The more love and compassion you can learn to generate for the child you were, the more you will come to realize that you are still that child, in that you can learn and grow.
The more you can silence the soliloquy of shame, the lighter you will feel, and the greater light you will have to share with all of those around you.
If you need absolution, you have it. If you struggle with self forgiveness, I can help you find it.
Go, be, do, and love yourself as you love the others around you. Lay down your shame, as it does not serve you, and only when you serve yourself can you truly serve others.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings