Family doesn’t have to be forever.
I know that sounds harsh, and maybe it is, but if you talked to as many people as I do, and listened to their stories of pain and heartache created by people with whom they happen to share a genetic similarity, you’d probably come to the same conclusion.
You wouldn’t like it, but you’d get there.
For example, the Mom who has a son who actively sends her hateful materials, and who has before left her scared for her very safety. Or the daughter who was used as a pawn between two parents who both cared more about hurting each other than they did about their child.
The woman who has recognized that her sister is a narcissist who has stolen from her parents, caused fights and sowed discord between siblings. How about the woman who has been ignored, cut off and essentially ostracized by her sisters, only to find herself the one they turn to when they are in trouble?
How about the son, in tears, who is told by his father that he shouldn’t be upset about the divorce, because his father is so much happier now.
I could go on, and on, and on. Sadly, the truth is that family can be as much of a source of strength and joy as it can a fount of frustration and pain.
For some reason, we seem to have this concept that because someone is ‘family’ we should accept a level of abuse from them that we would never accept from someone else.
What really breaks my heart is that it’s always the ‘good people’ getting hurt. Time after time in coaching and just in life, I find myself trying to help someone emotionally disconnect from a family member who creates too much trouble.
Maybe it’s the child who doesn’t feel like they can live their own life out of fear of disappointing a parent or grandparent.
They struggle through guilt, and eventually find a balance that they can survive through, but only after some deep introspection, deliberation and determination.
And sometimes, even family members who are not ‘bad’ just cause too much pain. Sometimes the Lego just doesn’t fit, and someone who has the best of intentions is also someone who just causes you too much pain and difficulty right now.
Not that you really need it, but in case you feel like you do, this is me, giving you, the permission you’ve been waiting for.
It’s ok. It’s ok to scale back your interactions with family members who are causing you pain or who are in some way negatively influencing you.
It’s not ok to be rude about it, or cruel, or cause a scene, or hold up your pain as an emblem of your suffering.
I’m saying it’s ok to quietly walk away, and find peace.
In case you are wondering if I ever take my own advice, I live 4,972 miles away from my father, and we haven’t spoken in 15+ years.
I write this reflection very much out of my own truth.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings