Taking an Inventory of your Identity.
The frustration was evident in her voice, and her eyes blazed at me. While we worked on a house project this last weekend, my wife was getting more and more annoyed as what started out a small problem seemed to be getting larger the further we went along. Finally in a moment of anger, she turned to me and justified her frustration in one vehement statement.
“Well, I’m Randall’s daughter, so it’s got to be perfect”.
Then she just glared at me for a moment, like that one statement was going to be the end of the discussion. Of course, those of you who’ve been following this work for a while know that I just love hearing definition statements from people, especially when it seems to ‘justify’ a negative emotion that they are feeling.
So I took a deep breath, smiled at her and said “No, you are Holly. You just happen to be Randall’s daughter”.
And then I waited to see if I had done the right thing.:)
If you’d ever met Randall, my Father-in-law, you would have known three things about him. Firstly, he was one of the most brilliantly capable people you would ever meet. He worked in the nuclear program; he worked on top secret projects, some of which we still don’t talk about.
There was nothing mechanical, electrical or chemical that he couldn’t understand, fix, or make better. Second, he was a truly compassionate person; a ‘good man’ who lead by quiet example. Third, he was kind of a perfectionist when it came to anything around the house, so doing anything for him could be somewhat of a fun challenge.
So when we were having a hard time matching the wallpaper we were hanging, Holly’s reaction was to become anxious, expecting that someone was going to gently make her aware of how there was a ‘better way’ to do something, thereby making her feel like she ‘wasn’t good enough’ (even though my Father-in-law never, ever said that or intended that. He just wanted to show you how to do it the best way possible).
As the glare faded from her eyes, she looked at me with an almost pleading look, and said something like “well, it’s what I’m used to”.
We talked about it for a few minutes, discussing how she could maybe think about things differently, and then continued our project to a successful (although not microscopically perfect) conclusion.
My intention in replying to her in the way that I did was to help her see that she was carrying a definition of herself that no longer served her. Yes, she is Randall’s daughter, she always will be, but she can change the definition of what it means to her identity to be his daughter.
She doesn’t have to be locked into a pattern of thoughts and behavior that was not lifting her up to all that she can experience.
Knowing him for the amazing man that he was, he would never want her to feel this way; he only ever wanted to help people do things the best way they could.
And it got me to thinking, how many of us are carrying around a component of our identity that doesn’t serve us, but instead holds us back?
What part of who you are is no longer needed or relevant, and could be laid down at the side of the road? Who could you be if you gave up all the false definitions that you carry in your heart, and instead be the loving, giving person that I believe you are?
I invite you to inventory your identity, and clear out the old, to make way for the new.
Your future is calling.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings