100% you.
There is nothing more dangerous than the lies that we’ve told ourselves. The ones that we don’t even realize aren’t true, because we’ve believed them for so long that we’ve never questioned a single thing about them.
They live just out of sight in the corner of your eye, coloring your view of the world and its people. Changing the music of your soul, muting it, restricting your contribution to the world and everyone in it.
For me, that lie is “they won’t like me if I’m truly myself”.
I can’t remember how old I was when I first realized that I was different. Definitely by age 8. I didn’t think like other kids. They seemed so much more confident than I felt. They were whole, I was broken, defective, unwanted and unworthy.
They behaved without caring about the consequences, whereas I tried to understand all the future ramifications of a single action, seeking the timelines that spread across the fabric of the universe, like never ending ripples on an eternal glass topped ocean. I was not like them.
And because I was different, I began to turn down my volume.
I learned to hide away the parts of me that made others uncomfortable and to look away from them, instead of allowing my soul to burn through my intense gaze. I began to withhold the truths I could see in front of me, especially the ones that made others uncomfortable.
I tried to show the world a calmer, more pleasant, less intense, more quiet, less vibrant and definitely less powerful version of who I could be.
In truth, I began to live a lie, that I was the same. Don’t stand out, don’t risk ridicule, stay safe in the shadows of a quiet life, avoiding censure and pain by blending with the crowd.
The years flew by, and I played the game, continuing to be what I thought they wanted. The ‘good man’, the civilized person, the reliable player in the game. Obedient, agreeable, docile.
And then I woke up.
I realized that years had passed by, and I had not really been the person I was born to be. I was not striving, failing, rising, succeeding, becoming, changing, helping and serving at the level I was capable of. I realized in one moment the truth of the lie which had held me. I didn’t need to worry about them not liking me if I was myself.
I needed to worry about not liking myself if I wasn’t completely, authentically and honestly me.
Because in the darkest hours, when the burdens pile on, and the faithless friends have gone, there is one constant that never leaves, never rests and never ever takes a moment’s break. When the night comes, the demons surround and all light seems to have flown, there is one thing you absolutely must have if you are going to pick yourself up and fight the battle.
You need to have faith in yourself, and the only way you can truly believe in yourself is if you have brought everything you have to bring into the world.
Power aligned with passion and purpose, intensity bound with intention, creativity coupled with compassion and strength suffused with sobriety.
Whoever you are today, be you. 100%. Forget those who will revile you, they are not your friends. Dismiss those who demean you, for they will never stand with you in the darkness. Avail yourself of all your power, and serve at a level hitherto unknown and disbelieved.
Become who you really are. Show the world the truth of your soul.
And you will find peace in your heart as you come to like yourself.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings