My life is my only experience.
I think it’s a miracle that any of us are able to understand each other. We come from different backgrounds, with different lives, different thoughts and different hopes, goals, dreams and desires.
We take different meanings from the events that occur to us, and we have different opinions on what we should do, what we should say, and how we should think.
Yet for all of those differences, we also have so much of our human experience that is similar. I am sure you have had times of feeling lonely. I have. I would guess that you have felt fear, as I have. I hope you have felt joy so profound that it brings you to your knees and fills you eyes with tears. I have.
So we attempt to communicate with each other out of a familiar and diverse reality that somehow we share. We use an imprecise tool of a common language to try to share our truths.
It is no surprise that we often fail to understand each other; but in my meditations of late I have begun to realize that my greatest weakness in communication starts and ends with one simple truth.
My life is a very limited, narrowly focused and ultimately biased snapshot of reality.
I cannot use this to understand the truth of those with whom I interact, and especially those who I try to help. My truths are just that, mine alone, and if I wish to really connect with someone in a meaningful and more intimate way, I have to practice a skill that is, unfortunately, not for me a natural one.
I have to listen.
Truly listening takes practice. It is not silence, because silence can exist in the presence of no-one. It is not a pause, waiting for the other person to stop talking so that I can say what I want to say next, because I can’t listen and wait at the same time.
To truly listen, and understand you, I have to first practice the discipline of humility. To stop thinking about what I want to communicate, and instead focus on everything you say with every sense that I have.
Listening is not just interpreting the words, but the inflections, the pauses, the tone changes, the choice of words, the speed of delivery, the microexpressions and ultimately the energy that emanates from you as you speak to me.
How can I do all of this if I already have my next sentence loaded and ready for delivery?
No, truly listening means accepting your experiences as different than my own, and valuing those as much as I value you.
I cannot hope to understand you through the myopia of my own life and own experiences, but if I can put aside my thoughts, feelings and desires, then maybe, just maybe, I can understand you in a way that enlightens both of us.
And it all starts with listening.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings