Trying to be good, and failing dismally.
Of all the emotions that we are capable of as human beings, one of my least favorite is gloating. I think there is nothing more disheartening than to see someone feeling superior at their interpretation of someone else’s inferiority, or someone else’s tragedy.
And I hate it most of all when I see that emotion surface in myself.
This is a hard reflection to write, but I feel that if I don’t, I won’t be being honest with you.
I have 3 people in my life who have been anti-heroes for me. Their actions, words and attitudes have created pain and discomfort in my life, and I struggle profoundly with extending to them the forgiveness and compassion that I wish to.
Yesterday I came across a news article that reported an event that I am sure caused one of those people great pain and heartache. A child of this person committed acts that were shameful, cruel, despicable and reprehensible.
Especially given who this person is, and their desire to be admired by others, the actions of their adult child must have been incredibly difficult to endure, and cast a shadow over their carefully cultivated image.
And for a short period of time, I am sad to say, I took pleasure in knowing this. I am not proud of that emotion.
My gloating was in short time displaced by a sense of grieving for those who were hurt by the circumstances that were reported, but I cannot deny that for a brief while, I felt vindicated in my unkind emotions towards this person who caused me pain so many years ago.
Sometimes the reflections of ourselves are not those we would like to see.
I know where these feelings come from, and what they mean for me. They indicate that I still have a long journey ahead of me in my desire to become the peacemaker I believe I was born to be.
I am encouraged though, because even during the small time I was gloating, I at least knew it was out of alignment with my ideals. The voice of my better self was working on me, allowing me to examine the reflection of the feelings I was experiencing, and carefully, kindly and quietly inviting me to be the better person.
The truth is that we are all on a journey, and no matter where we are, we all stumble. The good news is that as we pick ourselves up, we can apologize, learn, grow and overcome the parts of our nature that prevent us from being all that we can be.
Thank you for all of your comments and kindness as I have shared these reflections. Your words have touched me, moved me and edified me. You are helping me become a better person, and for that I am eternally grateful.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings