One limiting belief can scar a lifetime.
Yesterday I wrote about how I find it difficult to face my soul in silence and how we sometimes adopt beliefs that are not in our best interests, but that we never realize are damaging us.
Today I will share a very personal example, in the hope that it might help you on your journey of self discovery.
For as long as I can remember, I have had a very difficult time asking for money, even though I have earned it. This has plagued me for many years, and has caused so much difficulty and sadness, especially working as a doctor in a small practice.
This, in turn, has caused heartache within my marriage. I was unable to explain to anyone, especially myself, why this was so hard for me. It was only through deep personal meditation, and many, many hours of self reflection that I was able to uncover the belief and the event that caused it.
When I was somewhere around 10 years old, one experience changed my life in a minute or two. We were living in a rented house, and due to my Father’s drinking were unable to pay the rent. One afternoon a bailiff knocked on the door, and confronted my Mom about the unpaid rent. I specifically remember him asking her for the money, and the look in her eyes when she said she didn’t have it.
I remember his scorn and lack of compassion when he told her she had two weeks to come up with the money or we would be evicted. I will never forget the tears streaming down her face, as she closed the door, and walked back into the kitchen weeping and trembling. I will also never forget how helpless I felt, seeing my Mom in so much pain, and being unable to make her feel better.
At that moment, my soul was burned with the belief that asking people for money created the same pain in them that it did to my Mom, and somewhere deep in my subconscious I vowed to never be that man who could cause someone that pain.
In one decision, in a state of intense pain, a limiting belief was formed which to this day haunts me. While the upper portions of my brain can realize the misunderstanding, the lower, deeper, older portions of my brain, where feeling is stored, still feels the decision and reacts accordingly.
This is but one of the limiting beliefs that I carry, and try to break free from every day.
If there is something in your life that you do, but cannot explain, I implore you to search deeply within your soul to uncover the trauma that created a belief which haunts you.
It will not be comfortable, because it is likely shrouded in pain and misery. It will not be easy, because the event that precipitated its creation is often buried in a dark and lonely corner of your mind.
Uncovering the trauma, and realizing the limiting belief that haunts you, is the first step on the road to peace, but that is a long road, and rarely is the passage an easy one.
It is my deepest desire to serve you along your way.
--Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings