What are you afraid of?
In your darkest moments, when you feel powerless and terrified, what is your greatest fear? Is it death, is it pain, is it loneliness?
A friend posted on Facebook today that her greatest fear was, in fact, the judgment of others. After some reflection, I replied that her greatest fear is actually from her own self judgment, because she had not made peace with herself.
A conversation followed in which I asked if I might share some thoughts as part of a reflection, and she gratefully consented.
For many years, I was at the mercy of the judgment of others, both their expressed judgments and the ones I felt like they were making even when they said nothing. Hating myself, every single negative judgment from another person (real or imagined) only drove the sword of my own disgust deeper into my heart.
I lived at the constant control of other people, desperate for some recognition, attention, affection or positive feeling that I could glean from our interactions. It is tiring to live this way, and painful.
Over a period of time, I came to realize that being sensitive to the opinions of others was only possible because my own opinion of myself was so bad. I could believe their negative judgments of me because it matched my own judgment.
A poor self opinion is often a result of something in our early years, such as emotional neglect, abuse, trauma or bullying. It colors every interaction, and clouds every kindness shown to us.
Eventually, I learned to find a measure of peace in my soul. This was hard won, requiring a painful self examination, a great deal of meditation, much introspective reflection and many changes to my thoughts, words and behaviors.
During this process of self forgiveness, I also arrived at something I had never before experienced – a measure of self respect.
As I have truly learned who I am, and have come to accept my weaknesses with my strengths, I have found that the judgment of others is largely irrelevant in my life.
I know who I am. Deeply, powerfully and intentionally. I have no fear of another’s opinion, for who knows me better than me?
While I am not perfect, I am powerful. While I do fall, I also rise up. While I make mistakes, I am always learning. While I can be selfish, I am also loving.
As I trust my own judgment, I have become the keeper of my value, and the protector of my soul.
And this gives me vision.
If I can help you in any way to find peace within yourself, please feel free to reach out so that we can connect. It would be a privilege to serve you.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings