Becoming who I already am.
Life is, without a doubt, a journey. A process of changing, growing, learning and ultimately becoming more than we were before. And yet recently I have been realizing, and reflecting, that everything that I am trying to become right now, is in some aspect someone who I already am.
If that sounds confusing, I understand, believe me. It makes little sense to me either.
But as I try to push myself out of my comfort zone and into the next evolution of my personality and possibilities, I am curiously aware that all I am doing is really adding skills and a sense of authenticity to the core facets of who I already am.
In some ways, it’s like I’m trying to qualify myself in my head for something that I can already do, but am reluctant to do, because I feel I have not yet reached some level of achievement that gives me the ‘right’ to do or be whoever it is that I want to be.
And I think we all suffer from that sometimes.
I think that many of us search for those skills, or that ‘validation’ as a way to avoid what we feel could be “pushback” from both those who are around us, and those with whom we would interact in the role we are choosing.
Yes, sometimes there are things that we need to ‘learn’ in order to qualify us to fulfill a certain role, but more often than not, we just need to see ourselves as who we truly are in order to realize who we really are.
Like I said, confusing. Allow me to share an example.
I have been writing this work now for almost a year. On December 11, 2018, I will have officially reached the one year mark. On that day, I will have written over 250 pieces of work, some of which seem to have helped people.
Many wonderful people have left kind words of appreciation, and some have reached out further to let me know how this work has helped them in their struggles against depression, fear, anxiety and the cruel treatment they have received at the hands of others.
Yet, I struggle to see myself as a writer, and to see that this work has any real value.
And this is not the only area of my life in which I struggle. Just over a week ago, our family received news of a most distressing nature, which threatens to considerably change our lives in a way that we did not anticipate.
In response to this, I find myself having to move out of my emotional comfort zone, and into a space that realistically I have been occupying for at least 2 years now. Yet the jump terrifies me, as my ‘emotional identity’ has not yet advanced to necessarily match my ‘actual identity’, and this next jump is, for me, more terrifying and concerning than any jump I have made before.
Because I don’t feel I am ready, but I no longer have the option to wait. I have to jump, now.
My hope, my foundation for believing that I have something to offer the world, is about to be tested in a way that it never has before. In making this move, I am going to be confronting demons that I have carried inside of me for over 30 years, demons that question my confidence, my competence, my sense of value and my sense of having a place in the world.
For if I fail in this jump, I don't know what the landing will do to me.
Yet I am mindful that this jump has always been waiting for me, and I have always had the option to take it. In some ways, this jump is the only way I will find a greater sense of peace, because if I make the jump in the way that I need to, it will open to me a world that I have hitherto been unable to walk in.
So this is me, trying to become the me who I hope I already am. I would appreciate any thoughts and prayers you can offer. I need them.
Thank you for being a part of this work, and my life. I truly appreciate you.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings