The secret truth of parenting.
I don’t think it’s possible to be a perfect parent. At least, I’ve never seen it. All of us have some kind of emotional hang-ups as a result of our upbringing.
Maybe it’s from parents who didn’t care, and left you to your own mind at a young age, with the predictable mishaps, or it’s a parent who rigidly controlled your life, so that you reach middle age and realize that you have lived someone else’s version of you.
We all have our trauma, and we all have to work through it.
I worked recently with a wonderful client, who struggles with self identity after growing up in a home where her obedience was mandatory.
Although her parents were good people doing what they thought was right, my client was left with deep feelings of inferiority and a nagging fear of making decisions, afraid that she would be ‘wrong’. This has plagued her for a long time, and has significantly limited her life.
And she was seeking a way to break free of the chains of her conditioning.
As we talked, she was able to move into a greater awareness of how her thoughts and emotions were based in fear, and a desire to avoid conflict. Little by little we worked on a strategy that will help her move beyond her current mind-set, and into a new paradigm that will allow her the freedom to live as she wants, and yes, make mistakes.
She is going to parent herself.
I know that sounds crazy, but we have started her on a process of changing the voices inside of her head from those she learned growing up, into those that she uses on her own child.
Blessed with an adorable young daughter, my friend (client always sounds so formal) has been parenting very differently to the way that she was parented. And now, she gets to take all the love, understanding and acceptance and share it with a whole new person.
Herself.
Anytime she recognizes herself falling back onto her conditioned emotional reflexes, she is instead going to imagine that she was talking to her daughter, and see how she would encourage and empower her daughter through that situation.
While it feels awkward at first, over time my friend will find a new balance in her soul, as loving kindness filters through the pressures and restrictions that she feels now.
It’s going to be fun to watch her grow.
And the best part of the equation is the one that she never expected. As she is able to ascend herself beyond where she is currently at, she will find some of her struggles and challenges with her parents will melt away, allowing her to feel closer to them, and accept them in her life without so many difficult emotions standing in her way.
And lest you think you are immune, let me share this with you. I can already see 3 ways that I have given my kids emotional hang-ups, and I can assure you they were not intentional.
The truth of parenting is that you ARE going to make mistakes, but you hope that your children are resilient enough to be able to bounce back. If you have given them resilience, you will have given them the gift that keep giving forever.
So go hug your children, and love them as hard as you can. That will get them through.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings