The shackle of should.
Oh my gosh – it’s like an epidemic. I can’t tell you how many times I have worked with someone, or even just been talking to someone, and had to help them through the insanity that is the word ‘should’.
I think without exception, EVERY person I have ever coached has suffered from this. It robs them of joy, of perspective, of happiness and even of the kindness that they desperately try to give back into the world.
The power of that one single word, ‘should’, is terrifying.
Because no matter how well your day is going, if you think it ‘should’ be better, or it ‘should’ be different, then you will remain unhappy, despite all that is going on around you.
Or maybe it’s that you’ve done a great job, but you feel it ‘should’ be better, then you’ll lose all self respect in a desperate desire to match up to some imaginary guideline.
It just never stops.
A good friend of mine suffers from this. Blessed with three amazing daughters, who are all strong, independent and wonderful women, she nevertheless struggles because she thinks they ‘should’ love each other better.
Like any siblings they have their issues and complications in their relationships with each other, but my friend loses out on the wonder of her daughters, because they are not as close as she thinks they ‘should’ be.
So I would ask her – who sets the rules.
Because most of the time, I find that ‘should’ is really a cover for a something different. Maybe it’s really a desire to obtain respect or admiration from someone who struggles to be kind with others.
Or maybe it’s because someone feels a need to live up to a sibling or some imagined standard set by a figure in their life.
At worst, ‘should’ is the desperate prison for someone who has been hurt so much in their life that they feel like they have no worth, and ‘should’ have no worth, so they set themselves impossible standards that they are never going to achieve, so that they can fail, like they deserve.
As one of my favorite authors once wrote – “you don’t need whips in your hands when they have chains in their heads’.
That’s what ‘should’ really is – a chain that keeps you from peace and fulfillment. If you struggle with this, and most people do, I would challenge you to dig deeper and try to understand what it is that you are really trying to achieve.
Almost anytime I have to help someone overcome a ‘should’, it’s because they are really seeking for the significance that comes from meeting a standard not set by them, and often not one they would set for someone else.
Please, unchain yourself from the shackle of should, and instead find gratitude and appreciation for every day in your life that can be filled with joy and happiness, if only you can learn to see if that way.
If you learn to live without ‘should’, you’ll be amazed at what you can see.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings