Out of Alignment.
Do you ever feel lost? Like somehow you’ve detoured from the path you are supposed to be taking, but you can’t work out how to get back, or even what the path is supposed to look like when you are on it.
You only know that there is this feeling, this nagging awareness, that you are not following the best way to get to where you want to be.
If you even know where that is.
Over the last 2 years I’ve been trying to find a new pathway. The journey began during a very stressful time in my life, where it felt like everything was changing (or was it falling apart, because that was certainly what it felt like).
In a moment of desperation, or inspiration (hard to tell the difference sometimes) I mapped out some ideas on a post-it note. I even added graphics, which if you’ve ever seen my attempts at drawing, well, you’d understand why that doesn’t happen too often.
I still have that post it note, and I can’t tell if it’s inspired, or insane.
In the middle of my fear, I was searching the future, trying to find the thread that would lead me into where I wanted to be, which honestly at the time was almost anywhere other than where I was.
For the last 2 years (or maybe a lot, lot longer than that) I’ve been living with these feelings of not being in alignment with my purpose, or my skills, or however you want to describe it. It just doesn’t feel right, and I can't even tell what right would feel like anymore.
It feels like I’m traversing deep valleys, where the mountains are so high that it blocks my view of everything.
Occasionally, there is a moment where a single ray of light shines through, and I can hope that I am moving forwards. Even more rarely, a flash of lightning lights up the sky, and I can see a possible pathway that I try then to follow.
But honestly, most of the time, I feel like I’m floundering; wading through the world without a clear understanding of where I am, or why I am here. Secretly terrified that I am missing the point of my purpose, or honestly, if I even have one.
My hope is that somewhere out there is a moment where things make sense. When all of the past comes into focus, and I realize why I am here. I feel a deep, fervent desire to make a difference, to help, and to inspire, yet I struggle understanding how to apply whatever gifts I have been given.
It seems that when I am helping others make profound changes, that my purpose resonates within me, begging me to go forwards.
But more often than not I stumble, out of a fear that another pathway will turn out to lead me nowhere better, or that my own personal demons will stop me on the way.
I have come to believe that the answers are deep inside of me, buried under years of despair, sadness and frustration. I have to seek for them, often digging on my knees with bloodied knuckles and tears.
The universe, it seems, does not give up its secrets willingly.
I write this today in the hopes of helping someone understand that we all struggle. If you feel like the battle you are fighting is your own, you may be right, but I would hope that you would understand that we all have our struggles, our challenges, our fears.
It’s like that for us all. Struggling doesn’t make you wrong. It means you are human.
You are one of us.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings